Loving You
by Blueraingurl
Summary: YukiShuichi. Love beyond words. On Hold [Needs A LOT of revisions]
1. Loving You

Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation

A/N: Yaoi content . . . Light swearing, you are warned. 

Title: **_Loving You_**

Yuki Eiri looked coldly at his hyper lover- he had accumulated killer migraines from Shindou Shuichi's constant blabbering. Shuichi was begging him to take him out, again- something that was not part of Yuki's daily routine. His routine consisted of smoking, tapping the H key on this laptop, and kissing his lover to shut him up. Life was perfect that way- Yuki could hide behind the walls of his apartment and didn't give a damn how the world was turning. 

He was happy where he was- and that was at home with his lover, he begrudgingly admitted. Somehow, Shuichi had come thundering into his life- breaking every silence that haunted his days and nights. With warmth and love, Shuichi gave love to him selflessly. He in turned gave hostility and snide comments. 

In every way, he knew that he was breaking Shuichi's heart- but he couldn't change because change was beyond him. He had seen too much, had experience too much, and became the cynic that he was. He was not about to let someone into his life- he already had too many pesky people, like his sister and Tohma, in it. 

But no matter what he did or said, Shuichi gave everything to him. Already over two years had passed by. Their relationship lasting this long had surprised a lot of people. No one had thought Yuki, the playboy, would stay with someone so long- and not with someone like Shuichi especially and vice versa. Yuki being the cold, unemotional statue needing nothing to complete his life, while Shuichi, who basked in the radiance of love like breathing air. Surely they were as different as night and day. 

In many ways, Yuki hated himself for being so thoughtless with his lover. But if he were to show his emotions- Yuki didn't know if he could handle it, after everything he had gone through in his life. He couldn't trust anyone, especially not himself with Shuichi's heart. He knew he didn't deserve that ray of sunshine but Yuki knew that one day his lover will leave him. So he tried to hold onto it until it lasted. 

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"Ohayo," smiled Shuichi as he awoke Yuki. Although Yuki hadn't taken him out last night, he was okay with it. After all, Yuki was Yuki. He wouldn't trade him in for the world.

". . ." Yuki glared and pushed Shuichi off, "I thought I told you not to sleep in the bed". Disregarding his lover, Yuki went to wash up.

"Yuki- what are you going to do today? Can I work on my songs in your room later? I promise I won't bother you," Shuichi said as he walked into the washroom.

Yuki grunted no, finished washing up, and entered his study. 

With a slam, Yuki closed the door to his study- he needed to finish work; he had a deadline to meet.

"Okay," _'oh I know, I'll go buy grocery and make Yuki something for dinner,'_ Shuichi smiled at that thought, _'today is our three year anniversary'_ and he wanted to make it special for Yuki.

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Yuki heard the closing of the door- 

His lover had quietly exited their home. 

With a sigh, Yuki opened his drawer and took out a box.

He stared at it- it was a flawless diamond embedded white gold ring. Although Yuki was not a sentimental fool, he knew that this would please Shuichi- he was not a verbal person about his feelings, but giving his lover something of this magnitude should show Shuichi enough without words.

He couldn't decide what to do though- it was their anniversary and Yuki knew it was the perfect time to legalize their relationship. But in truth, he was scared . . . he had really thought that they would have broken off by now- but the baka keep coming back, even though Yuki had constantly broken his heart. Undecided Yuki placed the ring in the drawer. 

He needed to work on his manuscript.

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Shuichi quietly prepared dinner the whole day while Yuki worked.

…

He was quite lost though- he had burned everything in the kitchen, it was not coming out the way Shuichi had predicted. With a soft sigh, he tried to salvage what he could. He looked at the clock, it read 7pm. _'It was time to get Yuki for dinner,'_ he thought with a smile.

He lightly bounced his way to Yuki's room and knocked.

"Yuki- Yuki dinner is ready". He waited.

No response.

"Yuki, please come out and eat,"

Slow footsteps were heard as Yuki opened his door to a crack, "I'm not hungry," he was about to close the door on Shuichi's face.

"Please- just a little bite," with round eyes Shuichi felt his resolve waver, until Yuki finally gave in.

". . ." Yuki followed him into the dining room and sat down while Shuichi turned background music on.

Taking a bite- 

Yuki's expression turned sour, 

"What is this? This is horrible. You can't write but you sure as hell can't cook".

Shuichi's heart broke again- feeling the weight of Yuki's words he tried to divert the attention from the food.

"Oh, ha-ha, I'm sorry but today is a special day and I wanted to make it memorable but . . .  I have something for you Yuki," he took out a box and gave it to him, "I hope you like it- it has our names engraved and I wanted us to have something together".

Yuki opened the box- it held two twin white gold bracelets with their names engraved and their anniversary date_. 'Yes Shuichi was a sentimental fool, it was so like him to choose something that will announce to the world that they belonged together . . .' He put the gift down and stood up. He felt content yet angry: content that Shuichi was so predictable and always there but angry because Yuki didn't know what to do- what to say to reciprocate his feelings to his genki(happy) lover._

Shuichi stared with eagerness 

and hope-

Yuki did the only thing he knew how, 

to let his lover figure it out by himself if he appreciated the gift or not- 

He smirked and left- 

Leaving a stunned and hurt Shuichi. 

With tears blurring his eyes, Shuichi ran out of the apartment.

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**A/N:** I apologize if there is any OCC . . . also I was wondering if this is worth continuing but if not, than I will not continue . . . thanks for reading ^^

I have also revised this chapter- I basically have a general feel for where I want to take the story (angst . . . more angst . . . but understanding and breaking down Yuki's cold heart and his barriers, while Shuichi matures).  The reason I had asked if this was worth continuing is because I don't want to ruin Gravitation- *sweat drop* Although, I don't own Gravitation, I don't want to damage it by putting up a fanfic that everyone will hate.  Therefore, as I continue in writing my future chapters, I will ask if I should stop writing anymore for the sanity of Gravitation fans _ . . . but if it comes to that point, it would be nice if you could point out where I need to flesh things out to make it more believable and I will implement it into my fic . . . thank you for reviewing, I have come to love this couple, Yuki/Shuichi and am still fairly new to the series, so I am truly sorry if there seems to be OCC.


	2. Unexpected

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Disclaimer: I do not own Gravitation

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Warning: Shuichi may seem out of character, but I hope to portray him as a mature individual. He had reached that sense of maturity because of the continual emotional turmoil that Yuki had unknowingly inflicted on him. But in a sense he is still immature and for someone like him, he needs constant reminders that Yuki does love him, which our novelist is unable to do due to his own tragic past and personality.

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A/N: I would truly like to thank everyone for their encouragement for this fic ^_^ thank you so much . . . I would list everyone and comment, but I've realized that it took too long in updating this fic so I'll do that next time.

I would specially like to thank my beta reader for this chapter and for my future chapters for this fic: **Sabrinne** . . . check out her fic "Chasing After Me," when I read that I had to chase after her to be my beta O_o hehe 

And now on with the fic:

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Title: _Loving You_

Shuichi ran blindly.

He didn't know where he was going, but he needed to escape the reality that was Yuki.

Unconsciously, he arrived at the park that he had first met the novelist.

"Why Yuki, why?" He sighed as he slumped against the bench. "It's been three years now- and yet, what do I mean to you? I try so hard to understand, but Yuki . . . how am I supposed to understand you when all you show is contempt?"

Shuichi felt hot tears cascade down his face. He was emotionally drained. His heart constricted painfully- but he should have been used to this by now. After all, three years with Yuki had been a roller coaster. 

Yuki was Yuki, the love of his life, yet an enigma. 

Although his lover had told him about New York- they never talked about it afterwards. He knew that Yuki hadn't always been like this- he had actually been bright like Shuichi . . . until that fateful night in New York, that much, Shuichi understood. 

"Gods Yuki, am I not enough?" Shuichi felt conflicted- one of hate, one of love. 

He knew he loved Yuki yet at the same time there was a fine line between love and hate. He hated it every time Yuki withdrew within himself- and how he always tried to push him away from knowing his true feelings. So early on in their relationship, Shuichi had determined that he would be the strong one in their relationship. He, Shuichi, will be the anchor that held them together . . . But for someone like him, someone so genki, so trusting, so loving, to continually face the harsh reality of their relationship- Shuichi felt overwhelmed. 

He wanted to be the one that helped Eiri overcome his inner demons- and in many ways he went to extremes to not bother his volatile lover.

But that wasn't him- Shuichi was not that kind of a person, he was simple and he spoke his mind. But as the years wore on, he began to lose himself; he began to lose his confidence in their relationship.

"Why is everything so hard? Isn't it enough that I love you?" Shuichi stared into the gloomy skies; even nature was against him- 

Shuichi knew many people had been skeptical of their relationship- not really believing that it would last. In many ways it was true, Shuichi sometimes felt he was walking on broken eggshells, trying futilelynot to crack them further as their relationship progressed.

"Eiri, why isn't it so simple anymore?" _'Not that it was simple from the beginning, but rather it was easier for him to believe that they would be okay in the end . . . that his love for Eiri would be enough to cover his lover's insecurities'_. Yet, at the same time, as Shuichi covered harsh comments with belief that it would be better, that Yuki would be better, he began to lose confidence little by little.

With added insight, Shuichi sighed once again sitting on the bench, "as I get older, everything gets harder. With the continuous success of Bad Luck and your books, it seems as if we draw even further apart . . . Why do you push me away? Why did you have to push me away today? Eiri, I wanted us to become even closer- I want us to be together forever, but forever seems so unattainable- so unreachable for me now".

"I'm sorry- I'm losing confidence in us," feeling his tears dry, Shuichi felt his resolve to return. Whether or not Yuki had given him the cold shoulder, Shuichi will return to him- because that was what he always did- and Yuki always took him back. 

But-

Being drawn out of his depressive state,

Shuichi felt something suddenly- 

His soul resonated with the person who hid behind the shadows.

He turned around and looked- 

It was Yuki. 

__

'He has come to take him home,' feeling genuine happiness, Shuichi ran up to his lover. 

"Yuki- you really care," with a smile, Shuichi hugged him forgetting his previous woes. It was rare for Yuki to come out like this, but that action alone demonstrated to Shuichi that things would be okay again.

"Get off me . . . I don't even know why I came looking for you," Yuki said coldly.

"It's because you care, that's why you came looking for me," Shuichi stated quietly.

He grunted in response-

"Eiri- I love you,"

". . ."

Silence

"I'm sorry for assuming so much . . ." Shuichi trailed off . . .

"Yuki, we've been together for three years and . . ." _'Do you love me? . . . I haven't asked for much, but I cannot do this anymore without knowing, without hearing what I am to you. I need to ask you; it's always been an inner struggle for me in not knowing- but does it matter? Does it matter what I am to you? Shouldn't it be enough that you are here with me now? _

Yuki, I'm so confused. Yet, my lips cannot speak what I am really thinking right now- but didn't you say I was boring when I wasn't being truthful? When was the last time I was being truthful? When was the last time I stopped hiding in fear of hurting you more, adding to the hurt that had accumulated in your life- oh Yuki . . . I need to hear you- I need it this time, to know if you truly love me'.

Looking deep into his lover's eyes, Shuichi had to say something, before he lost his chance again- 

"Your actions, coming to find me, they speak louder than words but . . . I need to know- I need to know if our relationship will work out in the end. I've never questioned you because deep inside I know that I must mean something to you. Yet, you keep shutting me out and I keep coming back to you. I know you are not a person of many words but please, just this once- I beg you to tell me what I am to you. I need those words, please. I've waited three years, three long years to hear you say that you love me Eiri". 

With trust, Shuichi's violet eyes searched his lover's golden ones with earnest.

__

'Baka, do you really have to ask?' Yuki thought to himself, he felt uncomfortable- after all, he did come to look for his lover, and what more did Shuichi want from him?

Silence . . .

Again- 

There was silence

Shuichi felt his heart break again- 

It had always been like this, whenever he had asked Yuki if he loved him- there was silence. 

He couldn't handle it anymore, how cruel could Yuki really be? 

Not able to cry anymore, Shuichi felt his heart bleed- 

His happy castle in the sky dissolving in the blink of an eye . . . For so long, Shuichi hadn't wanted to press his lover . . . but now, he received his answer.

__

'Yes, it was better this way, he didn't want to bother Yuki anymore and he would leave'. 

But Shuichi hated himself suddenly. 

It was his fault for trying to get his cold lover to articulate what he meant to him- _So it was his fault that he was losing Yuki?_ _Was it his fault for not being able to open and warm his lover? His fault that he had to leave- _

His fault that he couldn't warm Yuki's heart in the end! He should have just kept his questions to himself- but it was too much for Shuichi to hold in. 

With sudden force Shuichi started to run away and this time he would not hassle Yuki any more.

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Yuki wasn't sure what to do; how to answer Shuichi's earnest questions. 

He hadn't expected his lover to question their relationship, to question him after all this time.

He had felt the box in his pocket- ready to give his heart to Shuichi . . . ready to show him. _'Did he really need to say those three words?'_

He felt his opportunity slip though-

His opportunity to make all his wrongs into one right

It occurred to him that Shuichi had finally 

**__**

Broken-

Looking at the haunted look of Shuichi's eyes- his heart constricted . . .

He saw his lover cringe away from him-

Then he ran- 

Shuichi was running away . . . 

Running away from him.

Not really understanding the bad omen that Yuki felt, he needed to stop his hurt lover from running away from him, because he knew that if he lost him now, he would never be able to reach Shuichi again.

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Rain-

Rain poured violently from the skies-

Yuki ran toward the direction that Shuichi had gone-

He had almost reached his emotional lover-

The rain was blinding his vision as he almost caught up with Shuichi.

-----

Rain was blinding Shuichi's vision-

Everything came in a haze-

-----

Yuki saw it coming-

While, Shuichi never saw it -

With sudden speed Yuki ran to protect his lover, 

"Watch Out Shuuuich- . . .!"

Blinding light-

Squealing of tires-

Crashing of metal-

*CRASH*

He flew into the air, as he pushed Shuichi away from the impact of the truck- 

While the truck swerved to the right, trying to stop itself from going further. 

Debris flew along with him- 

Shuichi felt someone cry his name and a mass of golden hair assaulted his vision, "YUKI! YUKI!" 

Yuki heard the terror in Shuichi's voice, as his vision became hazy. 

__

'Please don't leave me,' he whispered, losing consciousness as his head met hard pavement-

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	3. Who are you?

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gravitation

A/N: I am unable to space, so there are a lot of dashes "-" (dashes are in this chapter to separate events).

I apologize for the extremely long wait (I know people probably gave up on this fic. However, I will eventually complete this fic . . . Actually I had this chapter ready a year ago but did not have a beta since my last chapter . . . )

Now, I can continue though due to my sounding board beta **Hakari Tierney.** Thank you once again Hakari.

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**Title: **_Loving You_

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Useugi Eiri felt as if he was floating. Memory after memory, voices after voices reached his subconscious. His already distraught mind knew he could die, _'maybe he even welcomed it'_. He didn't care; he had nothing to live for. For all of his life he had inflicted pain on those closest to him: his sister, his brother, his father and Shuichi. Although his father was a whole different story, Eiri unconsciously smirked.

But most importantly he knew he had mentally hurt Shuichi. He had hurt him countless of times. So maybe it was better this way because he couldn't save them in the end.

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"Doctor, the patient had lost a lot of blood," the nurse spoke as she helped Eiri's lifeless body onto the stretcher.

"We'll need to check his blood type- he needs a transfusion as well as surgery," the doctor stated, "quick to the emergency room".

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Shuichi paced back and forth in the hospital corridor.

He couldn't think; everything was disjointed. Instead, he looked at the pristine, sterile white of the hospital walls and the red color of the emergency sign. The constant noise of activity surrounding the hospital corners called out to him- even mocked his state of mind.

"Shindo-san," Tohma, Mika, and Tatsuha rushed toward the singer, "What happened? What is Eiri-san's condition?"

Shuichi looked at the worried faces of Eiri's family.

He couldn't hold the guilt that overflowed, "It's my entire fault!" he screamed. With his admission, Shuichi fainted into the arms of Tatsuha.

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---- _Useugi Eiri was placed in critical care after surgery_ ----

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Tohma observed the grim expression on the doctor's face after the surgery, "how is Eiri-san doctor?"

With weariness, the doctor faced Tohma, "Physically he is recovering from his loss of blood, other than that his body will slowly heal itself. However, I am unsure about his injury to the head. For now, he seems to be comatose. Although even in his coma-like state, his brain is showing normal activity. For now, we just want him to regain consciousness".

The doctor continued as he took off his glasses, "But once again, new problems could occur once he awakes; there are other possible implications. I'm not sure of the injury and extent to Eiri-san's motor speech, visual perception, even memory loss could occur. We will need to monitor his responses closely for any aberrations, so he will be in intensive care until he improves. Relatively speaking his injuries didn't touch his vital areas and for that we owe it to the quick response of rushing him to the hospital".

"I understand doctor," Tohma quietly replied and left the room.

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Eiri was in a coma for quite some time.

Visitation was limited to a few.

Day and night Shuichi camped outside the intensive unit floor of Eiri's room. And gradually Yuki got better, enough for him to be moved out of critical care.

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Slowly approaching the hospital room, Shuichi touched the door handle gently. He hadn't been able to see Eiri for two months- Tohma said it was for the better since no one was allowed to disturb Eiri-san.

For two months, Shuichi had waited for this moment, to touch Eiri to make sure he hadn't really left him- just to look at his lover's sleeping face, for that was all Eiri had done for two months- sleep.

Tears threatened to fall on Shuichi's face again, but holding it back he entered the room silently.

With trepidation and anticipation, he neared the sleeping form of his lover, or was it his ex-lover? That thought brought back the guilt and sadness that had plagued Shuichi since the accident.

Gently he brushed his golden strands and then felt Eiri's forehead. "Please wake up . . . I want to apologize for everything, for what I did to you. I was so ready to leave you then but now I'm just so afraid that you'll leave me like this without saying goodbye".

Shuichi continued to talk, "don't leave me . . . I love you so much, please come back to me".

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Eiri's condition remained static-

He was neither improving nor worsening.

And everyday Shuichi came to Eiri's hospital bedside and held his hand.

Everyday Shuichi sat down and told him about his day, what he had done, what he had ate, and how much he missed him.

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:::: **4 long months passed this way** ::::

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**Comatose, Eiri struggled to hold onto life. He was trapped within his mind.**

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**Eiri's Flashback/Dream**:

"_Freak," snickering was heard._

"_Look at him," people whispered, "He has golden eyes and look at that hair color"._

"_He must be a mix," children taunted, "go away, you don't belong here"._

_Useugi Eiri looked sadly at the group of children. He wanted to join them- he wanted to become friends. But he didn't understand why they were yelling at him again._

"_What are you looking at?" an older boy of eight yelled. He pushed the foreign looking kid into the mud and said, "you're not one of us . . . look at you, your parent's must have picked you up from a trashcan or something"._

_Other children voiced their opinion, "yeah, you're too weird . . . we don't want you here, leave"._

_Eiri remained on the ground as he cried._

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A voice interrupted his dream sequence. A gentle voice filtered through Eiri's mind.

But that voice was replaced suddenly by broken images- seemingly breaking the hold of unconsciousness in Eiri's state of mind.

Shuichi felt a twitch, as Eiri began to wake up.

"Nurse, doctor," Shuichi ran out of the hospital room frantically, "he's moving- he moved his fingers".

Quickly the medical team entered the room to check on the progress of their patient.

Slowly, Useugi Eiri opened his eyes.

"Hello, Eiri-san," the doctor smiled.

The patient turned to the voice, as he did he felt an onset of a major migraine. He blinked as images of white, brown, yellow- and various other colors focused in, but "who is Eiri-san?" he asked huskily.

"Yuki," Shuichi came closer to him as he placed his hands on Eiri's face. Golden eyes clashed with violet as confusion replaced the depth of Eiri's face, "Who are you?" he questioned as he slipped into a restless sleep once again.

Shuichi stayed silent- _'what could this mean?'_

"Doctor, what's wrong? Eiri awoke- isn't he better now?" Shuichi turned questionably to the doctor.

"It seems as if Eiri-san is showing symptoms of amnesia . . . but it is a good sign that he had come out of his coma," the doctor continued, "don't worry too much- we will keep observing his progress. Please come to my office later today after I diagnose him".

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Tohma, Mika, and Shuichi entered the doctor's office and sat down as he began to speak.

"I will be frank with you," he stated, "There is a possibility that Eiri-san's amnesia will be temporary. However, there is still the chance that he will regress and his condition could worsen. It's critical for his well being that he does not receive anymore stress, information about his past, anxiety- any of these could be fatal for his recovery".

"His brain seems to have felt the shock due to his accident but more so- on his mental than his physical as he did not lose any of his sensations, balance, and motor skills. So no matter what, his mental stability has to be at peace," the doctor paused to stress an important point, "This means to situate him in the most comfortable environment, maybe even the environment he was in right before the accident happened. But do not try to force feed him information to remember who he was, unless he tries to find out by himself. Simply do not exert his mental capacities too much. The good news is that he can leave the hospital by the end of this week".

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Without anymore questions, Tohma, Mika, and Shuichi left the doctor's office.

As they left, Tohma approached Shuichi.

It was time to talk- he would have approached Shuichi sooner about this issue, but Eiri-san's condition was more pressing.

But now that his brother-in-law had awoken, he couldn't delay this conversation anymore. All he cared about was Eiri-san's stability.

"Shindo-san, stay away from Eiri-san from now on. I've tolerated three years of this relationship because Eiri-san seemed happy. But, I think it would be better now- since he doesn't remember you, or anyone for that matter," Tohma stated as he burrowed his eyebrows. Mika stood behind her husband, nodding in agreement.

"I . . ." Shuichi couldn't respond- he blamed himself for what had happened, how Yuki had protected him. _'But how could he stay away? Especially now, when Yuki needed him the most'._

"Mika-san, Seguichi-san . . . I'm sorry, I didn't mean for the accident to happen," Shuichi felt hot tears run down his face, "and I was ready to leave him alone- because I thought he would be happier without me and I knew he'll be better without me. I questioned him that night about his feelings for me, I was making him confront issues that he couldn't handle- I told him that I needed more than what he was giving me by asking him if he loved me. Then do you know what happened? I ran- I ran away from him and he ran after me. He protected me even after I was ready to leave him!"

Shuichi screamed out, "He protected me . . . I'm the one that should have been in the hospital!"

Feeling his emotions rip out of his heart, Shuichi felt himself fall to the ground on his knees as he grabbed Tohma's legs. "I know it's my fault- but I can't stand to be away from him- not anymore, not right now . . . I was ready to leave him that night, I told myself that I would never turn back. But I can't, I just CAN'T. I've always loved him but I had so much insecurity . . . how can I just leave him like this now! I just want to be there for him!"

Tohma was prepared to look down disdainfully at Shindo-san but as he looked, Shuichi bowed down on his knees.

"Seguichi-san, please forgive me," Shuichi said hoarsely, "but please let me be close to him like this- and when he remembers and he doesn't want me anymore, I'll stay out of his way".

Mika felt intense anger build up- after all, her brother had gone through so much already. And somehow Shindo Shuichi had made her cold hearted brother happy. But now, he was the same reason why her brother was in the hospital.

With quick movements, Mika approached Shuichi.

"How can you be so bold as to say all of these things to us? Tell me, how can you even imagine that Eiri would want you near him again? You don't have the right to be there- can you understand what you had put him through all these years? I knew he felt somewhat happy with you, but it still didn't cover the fact that you still don't know anything about him- and you'll never understand Shindo-san. I know what we are saying is harsh- but it'll be better if you don't come to the hospital anymore," with her statement Mika indicated to Tohma that it was time to leave Shindo-san alone.

Shuichi crumpled further onto the floor as he felt his world drift further away from him.

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Although hurt, but not dissuaded, Shuichi entered the Tokyo hospital the next morning. He knew that Seguichi-san and Mika-san would not be happy to see him, but he couldn't stay away.

"Good morning," Shuichi stated as he entered the hospital room, prepared to see the messy blond hair trademark of Eiri.

But instead of being greeted with a mop of blond hair- he was confronted with white sheets; freshly made bed sheets without a patient in it.

With a rush, Shuichi ran to the nurse's desk, "Excuse me miss?"

"Yes," asked the receptionist.

"The patient, Useugi Eiri, I was wondering where he was?" Shuichi asked frantically.

Flipping through her chart, she stated, "Oh, Useugi Eiri-san had been transferred to another hospital".

"WHAT? Where, where did he go?" Shuichi practically yelled.

"I'm sorry but the family asked that that information not be disclosed to anyone except family members," she replied.

"But," Shuichi stated silently "I am family".

"Eiri," he whispered, _'why is it so hard? I just wanted to be with you'._

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He walked out of the hospital and went toward their apartment. He hadn't been there since the accident- he had basically lived at the hospital. But last night after his conversation with Mika-san and Seguichi-san he knew he had to give them space to think about what he had told them. So last night he had returned to the park where everything had happened and waited until the morning to come back to the hosiptal.

Before reaching the building, Shuichi sat on the ground and cried again.

"Yuki, Yuki- where did they take you?" he sniffled as his tears continued down, "I just want to be with you, is it so wrong? I can't help it. Why am I so weak? Is that why we couldn't work out because even now the only thing I could do is sit and cry?".

"Shuichi, why are you on the ground?" asked Ryuichi as he neared Shuichi's crying form. He needed to talk to Shuichi about the concert they had planned years ago: it was time to unite the two most famous singers for a duet. Ryuichi also knew he wanted to do this so that Shuichi could feel better- Shuichi hadn't looked too well since Yuki Eiri's accident. Although he was worried about Yuki's progress, he cared deeply for his friend. And when his lover Tatsuha had told him that Yuki had awoken from his coma last night, he knew now was the time for the duet, to at least distract Shuichi.

"Sakuma-san," Shuichi stated, "Yuki- he disappeared".

"How could Yuki disappear? Is he feeling better? If he was, Tatsuha would have told me. I know! Why don't we go to Tatsuha," Ryuichi stated excitedly, "come home with me and we'll ask him". He grabbed onto Shuichi and pulled him with him.

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"Tatsuha," Ryuichi came thundering into their apartment, "Shuichi is looking for Yuki".

Tatsuha looked at Shuichi sadly- after all, his sister had told him not to tell anyone, especially Shuichi, where they were going to take his brother.

"Aniki- he, he went away to get better," he stated emotionlessly. He had tried to hate Shuichi but for some reason he couldn't blame what had happened to his brother on Shuichi. Instead, he understood- that it was as much fault of his cold hearted brother as well as the immaturity of Shuichi's.

"Tatsuha," Shuichi grabbed onto him, "I . . . please tell me where Eiri is".

Undecided Tatsuha left the room to go outside, he needed a smoke.

Shuichi followed after him, "where is he, please tell me".

Tatsuha felt his heart move as he looked at Shuichi again; the carefree, happy and hyper singer Shuichi had changed. Instead what Tatsuha saw was a ghost of a figure: Shuichi had lost an unreasonable amount of weight while aging ten more years onto his twenty-two years of life after Eiri's accident, his eyes had lost its' shine.

Tatsuha grabbed Shuichi by his collar and whispered threatening, "If you ever hurt my aniki- I'll kill you".

"I don't care what you do to me," Shuichi spoke, "as long as I get to see Eiri- as long as Eiri is well".

"Humph," Tatsuha sighed, although he had a streak of sadism in him- he couldn't torture Shuichi anymore, "they took him to New York".


	4. New York Memories

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Gravitation.

Thank you everyone for reading this.

I would also like to thank my beta **Hakari Tierney.** Thank you once again Hakari.

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**Warnings: 1) **Gravitation anime **spoilers** (read at own risk of knowing Eiri's past) however, since the anime/manga does not detail it in-depth, this is my take on the events leading up to it. **2)** This fic is Rated R for a reason, read at your own discretion . . . there are mentions of almost child sexual abuse (however, nothing happens . . . at all . . . no kissing, nothing, between a young Eiri (I believe he is around 9 or10 years old) and his old sensei (teacher/tutor). However, the thought process may be disturbing. **3)** Light swearing.

Also, I tried to make everything as realistic and sensitive as possible but I'm sure there are areas that are not realistic. So if there are glaring mistakes, I apologize.

_Translation Note_: Sensei/or Sensee means teacher in Japanese.

**Story Note:** The friend in Eiri's memory is Tohma (Eiri does not recognize yet that his old friend is Tohma, his brother-in-law) I believe Tohma is 10 years older than Eiri.

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**Title:** _Loving You_

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Useugi Eiri felt his muscles tense in apprehension again. He had not uttered a single word to the sandy blond haired stranger. When he had regained consciousness earlier, he had seen a young woman and the man he was currently with, look at him with concern in the hospital. They had informed him that they were related to him and that they wanted to make him get better. Events after he awoke had happened too quickly for him to process: they had taken a cab to the airport and boarded a jet to somewhere called New York.

Eiri sighed in frustration again as the sandy blond haired man and he entered an apartment complex.

Eiri just wanted to be left alone.

"Eiri-san," Tohma spoke, "you'll be living here with me until you get better- your sister, my wife, and I feel that this would be the best place for your recovery."

_'What the hell was this person telling him again?'_ Eiri stared intently. For some reason he did not want to be here in this apartment in New York, with his so called brother-in-law. Feeling his emotions heighten, Eiri wanted to tell this man that he wanted to return to the hospital, where he had woken up. _'Humph,_' he sighed internally, he was so confused- he had no memory, he just knew what he had been told by his _'sister and Tohma'_ and that they wanted to take care of him. Feeling the need to not argue with this person that he wanted to go back, Eiri remained silent.

"Are you hungry?" Tohma asked.

"…" he didn't reply.

"Eiri-san," Tohma exclaimed. Unable to understand the sudden sulk in Eiri's mood, he spoke again, "I know! Why don't you take a nap while I prepare dinner for us?"

He led him to his room and silently shut the door behind him so that Eiri could get some privacy.

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Feeling miserable, Eiri sat down on the large bed. He didn't know who he was, he couldn't remember anyone or anything- he couldn't understand why they had flown him across the country to New York. _'But who else could he rely on?'_ His best options at the moment were to follow the ones who had called themselves as his sister and brother-in-law.

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He opened his suitcase to put away his clothes.

As he did, he took out the ring box the nurse had given him before he left Tokyo. She had told him that they had found it in his pants the night of the accident.

Opening it carefully, he analyzed it again. He read the inscriptions that were behind the band itself- it read "Shu" on one ring and "Yuki" on the other. He didn't understand the meaning of it_- 'who was Shu? And who was Yuki?' _But one of the bands belonged to someone named Shu and the other band to Yuki. '_So did that mean he had a lover? But was it even his? After all, his name was Useugi Eiri, not Shu nor Yuki'_. Although, he distantly remembered a violet eyed youth calling him Yuki at the hospital- but he wasn't even sure if that had been a dream.

As he contemplated further, Eiri felt an onset of a migraine again- he didn't want to think anymore.

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Eiri's conditions worsen as the days went by.

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Eventually two months passed by.

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He had countless nightmares to add to his daily confusion. Eventually, he had stopped caring to live- he did not want to eat, talk, or go out anywhere. He barely knew if it was day or night.

Tohma was beyond worried. The doctor had told him specifically to make sure the patient was comfortable. He had thought taking Eiri-san away from everyone in Tokyo would help his condition. Tohma began to question himself if he had done the right thing. _'But it was for Eiri-san, so it must be right,_' he reasoned again.

While Tohma struggled with his decision, Eiri was caught in another nightmare.

**_-_**

**_-_**

**_Eiri's Dream:_**

_"Sensei, I'm sorry I'm late," a young boy of age ten ran up to his tutor._

_The man sitting underneath the tree just smiled up to Eiri. Standing up, Yuki Kitazawa __brushed off the grass that clung to him and placed his book underneath his arms._

_"Eiri, you knew we had lessons today," he spoke directly into the eyes of the innocent carefree boy._

_"I know but I was playing with my friend and I lost track of time," he sniffled suddenly, "I'm sorry sensei."_

_Sighing again, his sensei placed his hand on Eiri's shoulder and stated, "It's fine, just don't forget next time."_

_Feeling the weight of guilt lift, Eiri hugged his teacher with relief, "thank you, I promise I won't do it again . . . Sensei, do you know what I did today? I went to a carnival and ate some ice cream and hamburgers and I . . ." on and on, Eiri spoke about his day to his beloved sensei._

_As an afterthought, he added in quickly, "but now I'm here with you to start my lessons . . . I'm so happy to be with you."_

_With trust Eiri reached out to hold his sensei's hand as they walked along the park._

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_Everyday Eiri couldn't wait to spend time with his sensei. He was the world to him. Eiri did not have a lot of friends, except his older friend that had brought him to __New York._

_He knew he was different with golden eyes and golden hair, children his age did not want to befriend him, while kids older taunted him in __Japan._

_But since he had moved to __New York-__ he was accepted, he belonged. _

_He didn't have too many friends yet because he wasn't attending a public school- rather, his friend had found him a private tutor. Eiri brighten with that thought- that was how he had met his sensei._

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_Eiri was ecstatic, his sensei had invited him to his home. Most of the time his sensei was too busy to hang out with him- but Eiri understood that he was a busy man. So when Yuki-sensei invited him earlier, he couldn't hold his excitement._

_Breaking him out of his thoughts, his friend spoke, "Eiri-san why do you look so happy?"_

_"Yuki-sensei is going to spend time with me tonight," Eiri replied._

_"Oh, I see" his friend answered back, "But you know it's dangerous at night and I thought we could hang out together because I know I've been busy at work and the album is about to be made soon . . . I know what we can do, I'll come and pick you up later at your sensei's place. I'll be there by __seven p.m."_

_"Seven?" Eiri pouted. _

_". . ." his friend gave a pointed stare._

_"It's okay, I'll be fine,"_

_"Eiri-san . . ." _

_"Okay, okay I understand, thanks . . . see you at ten!" with a toothy smile Eiri looked up at his friend, his roommate- "I'm going to go now."_

_"Do you want me to walk you?" _

_"No, that's okay. See you at ten!" Useugi Eiri gave Tohma a cheeky grin and rushed out of the apartment._

_Swiftly walking toward his destination, he noticed that his sensei's neighborhood was a little different from his. It wasn't too far; about fifteen minutes apart- but was definitely different from the plush richness of his street._

_He entered the complex and noticed from the beginning that there was no security guard at the entrance. There were also cracks, chipped painting and poor lighting._

_He felt afraid but that feeling couldn't override his happiness of spending time with his mentor._

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_Knock Knock_

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_Eiri waited patiently at the door. _

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_Knock Knock_

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_Tentatively, Eiri tried the door-knob. _

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_Knock Knock_

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_It turned for him. He felt excited at the prospect of surprising him. Quietly he called out, "Sensei?" as he smiled mischievously. _

_Yuki Kitazawa came out of his room due to the annoying knocking, while taking another swing out of the bottle. 'Shit,' he had forgotten that Eiri was supposed to come, 'argh that brat . . . why the hell is he so damn happy?' There was that feeling again, the clenching of his jaw and pressure near his stomach- it always began like this and then he would feel an uncontrollable rage at the happy smile Eiri had plastered over his face. He always wanted to break beautiful things and lately Eiri was that object. It had started out small; in the beginning he had appreciated the consideration the brat gave to him. But then day by day, he had worn him out with his consistent talking and then Eiri would hold his hand like he had no care in the world. After awhile he noticed how beautiful the kid's face was and then the irrational jealously and hatred overflowed in his blood. He had an insane urge to break the beautiful picture Eiri made right now holding onto a bundle with a sincere glint in his eyes._

_"Sensei?" Eiri stated with round eyes. His eyes followed the liquor bottle- lately his sensei was drinking more and he didn't want to tell Tohma, afraid that that would get him fired . . . he wanted to be with Yuki-sensei._

_"I brought some video games, books and movies that we could watch," Eiri tugged on his sleeve and showed his treasured bundle, "But, if you want me to leave . . ."_

_"No. Let's watch the movie," with that statement he looked through the selection Eiri had brought with him. He really didn't care what they watched and inserted a random tape._

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_Halfway through the movie, Yuki Kitazawa looked at his watch, 'shit, it's not even 9 yet.' He needed another drink, 'after all, he wasn't fully drunk yet, Eiri had ruined that for him.'_

_Yuki Kitazawa noticed the dozing form of his pupil and went to get a blanket, he didn't want Eiri to get sick, after all the Tohma brat was paying for the tutoring lessons and he would be angry at him. He had no idea how the Tohma brat was so rich for his age, he probably was born with a silver spoon in his mouth . . . while, he Yuki Kitazawa had to tutor stupid brats to earn money when all he wanted to do was write books. 'It was pretty pathetic, he had to worry about some kid in his early twenties to pay his bills.' _

_As he covered up Eiri, he accidentally brushed across Eiri's arm and face, 'what soft skin . . .' Looking at Eiri he felt irrational emotions again, anger and lust, he wanted to hurt Eiri._

_'Dammit, I need to drink more,' he thought to himself . . . he wanted to feel emotionless. He didn't want to feel guilty on top of everything else he was feeling. Mostly, he just didn't want to care. He knew the quickest solution was to drink more._

_-_

_30 minutes later:_

_Eiri awoke to a pressure on his body, alarmed, he shot up in fright from the couch to the wall._

_With an evil glint, his sensei reached out for him . . . backing away Eiri tried to merge with the wall._

_"Sensei?" he questioned, "What are you doing?"_

_Grabbing Eiri's hip, Yuki Kitazawa lowered his face toward Eiri's knees while traveling closer toward his lower regions, eventually breathing on his lips._

_"What I am doing? Haven't you been giving me looks all this time? I'm going to do what you've wanted me to do," with force Yuki Kitazawa grabbed Eiri's belt to loosen his pants._

_"Sensei . . . no, I don't want anything . . ." he trembled, "Please you're scaring me . . ."_

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_CLICK_

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_The door opened as two large men entered the apartment room._

_"Hey Yuki, what you doing?" _

_"I'll give you ten bucks for the kid,"_

_Not contemplating long, he quickly agreed, "Sure" as he took the money . . . he was drunk but he still knew that money talked and it paid his bills. They could do whatever they wanted to do with the brat._

_The last thing anyone heard was the sound of bullets in the night._

_----_

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"AHHHHH," with a scream, Useugi Eiri awoke.

He had had countless nightmares before but it was always forgotten in the morning. However, right now, he remembered . . . he remembered his sensei. Of what happened that night.

With anguish and urgency, Eiri got dressed and ran out of his room, out the door, out of the apartment and into the streets. _'How? It couldn't be true! He had murdered someone, he was a murderer.'_

Running to the unknown, yet familiar path, he reached the park; the same park where his sensei used to wait for him. Then he took off toward the apartment in his dreams. Except right now, it was light outside, not dark like before.

He had found it; it was dilapidated but recognizable. He walked into the abandoned complex to the door in his nightmare. As he broke down the door to his sensei's apartment, Eiri screamed again as his memory confirmed his nightmare.

"Sensei!" he screamed and lost consciousness.

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Tohma was frantic. He had gone shopping for food and when he entered the apartment, Eiri was gone. He had alerted the police. But the police had told him that they could not do anything at the moment. First of all, Eiri was of legal age, able to walk out on his free will. Tohma had then given them a piece of his mind and what he thought about their policy on missing persons.

He hung up and got in touch with his network of contacts, which would have been faster if he was not as distraught from the beginning. After he was assured that people will be looking for Eiri, his initial thought was to go and look for Eiri himself. But he also reasoned that even in Eiri's condition, he might have just needed some time alone and would eventually return soon . . . Half an hour had gone and passed but Eiri still did not return. Tohma was at his wits end.

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Shuichi compared the address in his hand with the building in front of him. It had taken him two long months to get a visa out of the country to come to New York. He was lucky even with the two months waiting time.

Shuichi walked faster as the prospect of seeing Eiri was getting closer.

Suite 450--- right, it matched with the paper information – he rang the doorbell.

"Eiri-san, I'm so relieved," a disheveled looking Tohma opened the door, ready to embrace his brother-in-law.

"Seguchi-san," Shuichi spoke with surprise at the usually composed CEO, "where is Eiri?"

"Damnit," Tohma spoke to himself, "where the hell can he be!"

"Is he okay?" Shuichi asked, "What happened?"

". . ." Tohma looked torn between wanting to hit Shuichi and wanting to tell him the truth.

"Seguichi-san," Shuichi spoke again.

"Come in," Tohma replied wearily, "Come in Shindo-san, we need to talk."

Shuichi entered the apartment.

"Eiri-san has not been progressing well, I thought it would have been better if he had no distractions, namely you if I put it bluntly but," Tohma cracked, "I'm not sure what to do anymore."

"Seguchi-san, I . . . please tell me," Shuichi grabbed onto Tohma, "where is Eiri, please let me help him."

"I . . ." Tohma strained, he felt guilt overwhelm him . . . Eiri was missing and had not been talking since they left the hospital; this was his entire fault.

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RING RING

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RING RING

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"Hold on Shindo-san"

"Hello? Yes, this is Seguichi Tohma . . . Eiri?! What happened?" Tohma yelled into the phone, "What hospital was he taken to?"

"Shindo-san we need to leave, now!" He pulled Shuichi toward the exit and spoke aloud to himself, "Eiri . . . please be alright, I'm sorry for bringing you here."


End file.
